I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize