His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
