youre lurking in front of me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
