my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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