My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
