Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sarcasm needs its own font
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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