Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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