I am midnight drunk by noon
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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