If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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