Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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