guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
