why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
