I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
