can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
