The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
not ubering you a puppy
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
