I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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