I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
