I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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