The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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