I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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