I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
