I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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