I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
