That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
