What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
