We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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