Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
