bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
