apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
