sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
