If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
