Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
