Just fell off a train. Bad.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
