We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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