she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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