Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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