my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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