The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize