Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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