Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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