dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
