1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize