He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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