I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I look better un-naked...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
