I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
