What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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