She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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