if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He shit in the fireplace
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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