He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
