Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
