I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
