Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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