I can text with my tongue
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
