im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
