I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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