I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I supernannyed him into submission
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
