just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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